Yet, you think you “‘know” what will help your marriage, even though it is in big trouble, with your thinking? Doin' the 2-Step When Your Stepkids Are Ruining Your Marriage Most parents will admit that their darling, little angels have, at one point or another, caused a riff in their relationship. Give your marriage your all before you consider giving up. Forget the “elephant in the room” idea; it does not apply to your marriage. Yes, there is always some personal effort required when you work on your individual flaws, and some pain when you recognize some of your past mistakes. Psychologists and policemen should not change professions just because their professions have a higher than average divorce rate, nor does that statistic tell us how to treat marriage problems, at all; they offer no clues whatsoever about true causes of marital problems (which I can, and do, spell out in specifics). There are two online programs, one for women, another for men, and both include access to our specially trained counselors. First – Working on “problems” or “issues” distracts you from learning about and working on the underlying dynamics of your marriage, and that is an absolute requirement to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. However, being married does not give anyone the right to intrude on their spouse’s flaws. Professionals know whats wrong, can tell you why something broke, fix it, and offer suggestions for better care. In most marriages, both partners contribute to the conflict they are experiencing. For details and next steps on what it looks like to prioritize your relationship in practical ways, check out my latest book: Choosing Marriage. If you go to marriage counseling, you will be PREPARED to make the most of it. Otherwise, getting to know you is useless for saving your marriage, and moreover, it is invasive. Enough is enough. Moreover, you can’t keep a counselor at home, so you need to have the right tools on hand for your marriage. Then, as is the nature of a healthy marriage, things only get better from there; every single day. Again, because there are no universal approaches in their “soft” profession. It’s true, a good therapist may be able to help an individual overcome their individual flaws, but they should never do so in front of the other spouse. Bringing out individual flaws in a counseling session is intrusive and malicious… even though many will try to convince you that problems “have to be worked out”… they do not; not in marriage, not anywhere. Few things drive a Type A partner crazier than a spouse unable to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. Had I read this before Maybe I would still be married. Almost anything that “happened in the past” (from infidelity, to lying, to …. You know if you are not on Instagram, you should be. Many of marriage’s rules will not work in other venues because you will be disadvantaged. We do not pretend we can help them, and always advise contacting the authorities. I’m certain you have already experienced the futility of bringing up problems. You are in charge of your future. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is often misunderstood. They offer practical understanding, when asked. Your heart will definitely fail again, later. How you will feel is terrible, as you relive the painful experiences. The worst therapists act as superior judges, explaining to seasoned adults how and what they did was “wrong”. Get counseling for yourself, and maybe even marriage counseling, too. You should be able to expect that any professional you hire, for whatever purpose, can do what you want done, according to basic knowledge; and not use you as a source of income, or for their own experimentation. I know you can’t put text up, but just throw in a few pics and build an audience there. 13. At the same time, for an individual who is married and unhappy in part because of marriage problems, this may not … But we still encourage men to try. Yet you wish to instruct me on what you need? The indisputable fact is that while psychologists have “been in charge” of marriage study (for over 100 years) most people get divorced, or are unhappily married. I am a firm believer in your product and it saved my marriage. Famous marriage family therapists, such as Gottman, cautiously state “Marriage counseling is hard work, and there are no guarantees.”. Calling them “concerns”, or using other euphemism, will not help soften the effects. He liked how I framed and laid out the ideals of marriage succinctly, and saw the beginnings of a body of knowledge. Not just words on paper, that wouldn’t help anyone. From that one question it is only a matter of time before the overt and subtle accusations start flowing. The declining happiness in their marriage was why they became our clients. I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marital problems. They want to know what they may be doing “wrong”. They do not have to be married, or have any ‘true” marriage-specific training. Nothing good comes of it. Today is the worst day of my life, and have no friends I can share my pain with. I have created a very commonsensical approach that is efficient, effective, and coherent. But those people rarely reach out to us. I do not believe all individual therapy is harmful for a marriage. When the soil is healthy, everything grows as it should. ... You must first want help and then pursue counseling. So, the first step to take is stop the negative cycles, not bring them up for analysis. The depth of the hole you may have dug yourself into is barely an issue. But most neither know that, or how to do it. But that’s one of the big problems. whatever), that got you serious about trying to fix things, might by some people be used as an excuse to give up. Everything is guaranteed for 90 days. So, as you can gather, the basis for their ideas, diagnosis’s, and treatments, are quite random. Regurgitating the painful experiences is almost ‘perverse’. Their claims are false. The deep study of free will precludes anyone from intruding on the free will of the other. You literally got married for the happiness that comes from love! Marriage is not common. I have suggested counseling to some individuals, but never for couples. Its not just an “opinion”, The contention I began with when I shifted my practice is simplicity itself. She was done with her marriage and there was no possible way I could even invite her to do couples work with her husband. The above is the “fools gold” that some claim as success. An Exceptional Opportunity from Longtime NCSY and Yachad Supporters. There is no “base”, so to speak. The best way to fix a relationship is for both spouses to work on their marriage together. They can tell you anything they want. But marriage does not work that way. Traditional marriage counseling is all so “flimsy”. While some may claim that it is easy to move on from a cheating episode, it has some lasting impact which can severely damage a marriage. Jealous Bitter Older Woman has Ruined my Marriage 2020-11-22T08:45:07-05:00. For instance, if your tires are balding unevenly you don’t just want to replace the tires, or you will be replacing them all the time. You could not be accurate if you tried. It does not allow for venting or watching people. Yet most people struggle through endless sessions and end up discouraged, and divorced; most! Even if working on problems and issues ‘worked’, what good would it do to just stop a problem or two, anyway? I never allowed my clients to talk about their “problems” unless they had emergencies. 8. In contrast, my specific list of steps were outlined on my whiteboard. When I trained therapists in groups they sometimes commented on how “rigid” my protocols were. So when only one is “ready” to do some bridge building its not only possible, its nearly inevitable for the marriage to get back on the track it was on when the light was at its brightest. I have been helping thousands of marriages for many years using a system that I designed and perfected to help even the most desperate couples; inexpensively- with support from counselors. Even if they grow up and marry a supportive spouse, they still often suffer from their parents’ inability to repair their own marriage. There are four primary “aspects” to marriage. Remember, its a business. Happiness is the goal of marriage, and it is quite a different goal than just trying to be productive, as in business. However, the only information they actually need to know, beyond the fact that you are both suffering in your marriage, is that neither of you are pedophiles, or dangerous in some other way (as those are warning signs which cannot be ignored). If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage. Its just impossible to understand marriage based on data. You are an individual first and foremost, so communicating “problems” is problematic. Or, when marriage friendly, they will be the cause of your blessings. An example is when you have problems with your car. The first marriage counselors were clergy, which makes much more sense. Our separation and the year since the divorce have given me plenty of time to sit with my part in the demise of my marriage. Their lack of confidence in their own success is an innate problem in and of itself. “How does next Tuesday at 11 a.m. work?” she asks. Using “I” statements won’t help. How you see your own actions and past experiences is unique, subconsciously edited, and highly filtered. Although your therapist may be well-meaning, a therapist is a human being and does not always have all the answers, especially if he or she has only heard half of the story. You seek out a reputable and honest mechanic. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. Realizing our errors and struggling to change ourselves is not the easiest thing to do, but because of whats at stake its the most rewarding thing to do. The Orthodox Union is honored to be cosponsoring the online shloshim for Rav Gedalia Dov Schwartz zt"l. Thursday, J…, RT @NDiament: #Appropriations package contains doubling of funding for @DHSgov #Nonprofit Security Grants to help keep houses of worship an…. For them, the rest is guess work. The inherent randomness may be reasonable for individual therapy, which is known to be more of an art form than a science, but is immorally destructive for marriages. They just don’t understand marriage. Bless you, and I hope you look over our approach and why it is so effective, and change your mind. Even if a therapist does not have an agenda, there often seems to be a complete disregard for the big picture: that when you break up a marriage you are often breaking up a family. She figured couples counseling was the way to work our their relationship issues.” — MrsAHole. Nearly every reliable source confirms the statistical “success” rate therapists score for “helping” couples rejuvenate their marriage is well under 10%. Because of those useful studies we know a lot, but they do not lead to “treatments”. I am talking about the effect individual therapy can have on a marriage. ... How to ruin … I think you’d find a ton of people who would be super interested in your blog here. Unfortunately, that is generally how marriage counseling plays out. Of course not. Putting off your efforts, “giving things more time”, just means more pain and suffering. It will only  hurt your marriage even more. Because he taught counseling at the collage level his aim, before he passed, was to introduce our principles and techniques to his students. But it is not, and there is however, a MUCH better way to begin your efforts. If you are seeing an individual therapist for your marriage, the best thing you can do is focus on your personal issues. They expect a marriage counselor would draw from a “body of knowledge” that all therapists draw from… But its not the case. Likewise, the rules of other venues will not necessarily, or usually, work in your marriage. MyDomaine's Editorial Guidelines. Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. And, for practical reasons, your expectations of advice will almost always be met; its what they do. This terrible marriage advice would have completely ruined my marriage, and mostly because I’d still be single if I … When your thoughts, attitudes and behaviors are intentionally shifted into “marriage friendly” expressions everything seamlessly shifts into a happy marriage mode. And, the results were guaranteed. Psychologists are not like medical doctors or licensed plumbers; who have to prove they know what they are doing in order to be licensed. Long story short.... about six years ago (before we were married), I found an email (yes, snooping, bad) from my then boyfriend (now husband) to his ex-girlfriend. We want you to enjoy the enormous benefits of marriage; not just be relieved of the pain that comes from current misunderstandings. It doesn’t work that way in marriage. My track record is in the high 90 percent range of achieving “miracles”. Confidential reasons for me that I need to talk about. This is not the case for marriage. Prev. ADHD is Ruining My Marriage. Psychologists also help individuals who undergo extreme experiences in their life. This is the key! Here are some normal “human nature” things you can expect in traditional sessions. On the other hand, traditional marriage counselors don’t really understand why couples are unhappy in their marriage any more than they understand marriage itself. It is just human nature to make our complaints really sound good so we get sympathy…right? In some cases a therapist will be in their 20’s, unmarried, and inexperienced, while working towards a licence and their own practice. Our overall approach, which addresses all four aspects of marriage (connection, communication, sexual communication and individual psychology) brings you to a realistic path of love and harmony. When you are married you have the perfect set-up for selfless service, love, and consideration. For that we are thankful. The generally used protocol used by virtually every marriage and family therapist is to begin with getting to know you and your spouse. Couples repair their marriage by learning how to relate to each other in healthier ways. Put it this way. On the other hand, when you pay attention to your dental hygiene, which is an underlying dynamic, your heart will probably heal itself. That is how we at TMF see it, and that is realistic. 99% of the time its just a matter of knowing what to do to make it work really well. For those that think I am discouraging individual therapy, know this. B – The lovely experiences that each and every one of us seeks in marriage. Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of Remember  the “venting” phase, when people were told to “let it all out”? That’s why traditional therapy cannot possibly provide what you need in order to accomplish a happy marriage. Every individual school of psychology has its own way of teaching what they choose to teach. Marriage is intrinsically different from any other venue in our lives. Change that around. So you should expect there to be unique “rules”. We also have two books. In marriage, the happier you try to make your spouse, the better off you both will be. Experience is a bonus. Find out how cheating wrecks havoc on a marriage and what are its implications on the future. Marriage is a unique venue where selflessness is the most beneficial approach, always. Their positive claims, made in articles that support marriage counseling, are usually over-stated, and disingenuous. She became so attached to the therapist that had encouraged her to “work on herself” and concluded that it was her husband that was the problem. So, many couples who trusted the traditional route, and could afford it, are now watching their families get torn apart. Most people naturally expect knowledge and training to be rigorous and consistent for marriage counselors, too. You should always try. Here is what happens in sessions. Hard data is good for organizations like ours, because our counselors can tell parents how their children are likely to do if they get a divorce, when asked. Some therapists attempt taking on the role of a “mediator” in their sessions, which completely misses the point; that marriages need to be built on love and positive intentions, not negotiation. 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